So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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