I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
