According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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