Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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