It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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