I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize