Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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