My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
