If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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