this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
