God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
