if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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