Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize