whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
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