in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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