what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
