look no pants
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
there's paper in my vomit.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
