I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
