I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
