Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
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