3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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