Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
