i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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