Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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