Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Randomize
