I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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