High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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