Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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