You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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