hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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