saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
