Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
