i was rollin on her like bob the builder
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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