i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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