bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
