I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
