just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
