New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
