remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
