My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
