I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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