im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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