You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
