Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
They have beer where we have blood.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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