I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
