When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you had me at cake vodka
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
