fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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