How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
