I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
