There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize