planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
