we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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