Old men and throwing up are my life now.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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