I wish I could teleport
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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