Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
