I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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