i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
